Just to clarify, I’m speaking about a previous relationship, not a current one!!
1. He switches up his tactics just when you’re getting into it. Juuuust as you feel like you’re on the edge, he starts moving his tongue side-to-side instead of in circles. You practically scream at him to not stop, but it’s too late and you’ve lost that loving feeling. Meanwhile he’s looking at you like, “What did I do?”
2. He tells you he “doesn’t do that.” This is a stupid reason unless he has some kind of oral sex PTSD.
3. He keeps popping his head up to ask, “Do you like that?” This is not the time to be taking a survey.
4. He asks, “Is this the vagina?” when he gets to your belly button. All right, maybe he isn’t that bad, but for some reason, when he’s going down on you, you can’t stop thinking about the time you took a family trip to Cornwall, and your mum was driving and got lost and refused to ask for directions. As in, he has no idea where his is and you just want him to get to the Clitoris Monument.
5. He keeps trying to move things along to the sex part. Understandably, this is lots of people’s favourite part. But he seems to really rush through things, like a kid downing carrots to get to dessert.
6. He’s not very enthusiastic. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Enthusiasm is the mother of effort,” and he probably said it with a mouthful of vagina. If he’s not into it, it could be because he’s too focused on splitting his time between figuring how things work down there and panicking.
7. He’s poking you in the vagina with his fingers. Poking never feels good, regardless of the part of the body you’re doing it to.
8. He can’t get comfortable. He’s flopping around on the mattress like a fish because he can’t lie down right and it’s really taking you out of the moment because fish are not sexy.
9. He’s pretty much asked, “What do you want me to do?”
10. He’s asked if you want to mutually masturbate. Hey, mutual masturbation can be sexy, but not when it’s offered up with a resigned sigh. He’s basically giving up and asking you to do it yourself.