It’s rare that you’ll get all of you in one place at the same time but when you do SHIT GOES THE FUCK DOWN.
1. You arrive. You feel a bit awkward. You haven’t all been together for a while. Maybe you don’t even have anything in common anymore. Maybe you’ll only stay an hour.
2. Someone who doesn’t usually wear lipstick is wearing a bright shade of pink and you eye them up suspiciously like guuuuuurl you changed.
3. You decide to get a takeaway. There’s six of you. It comes to £58. You want to split it to a tenner each. Someone’s sure their share only came to a fiver. You want to punch them in the face. Repeatedly.
4. You suddenly remember why you don’t all hang out more. You pick up your phone to distract yourself from the sheer torture of being with your best friends.
5. ‘OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE SO AND SO IS PREGNANT. DID YOU SEE THE PREGNANCY SCAN ON FACEBOOK? HASN’T SHE ONLY BEEN WITH HER BOYFRIEND FOR A FEW MONTHS?!’
6. Someone farts. You remember why you’re all so close.
7. You realise you probably ate more takeaway than all of your friends. You wonder if they’ll discuss how much weight you’ve gained when you’ve left. Because you’re definitely fatter than last time aren’t you? Is it noticeable? Like really noticeable? OMG what if they’re texting about it right now whilst you’re sat there. Yeah OK from now on you’re on a diet.
8. You all have a breakdown about how the fuck that time you all got wasted together and one of you was sick on yourself was TEN YEARS AGO. A DECADE. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING A DECADE? HOW HAS A DECADE PASSED THIS QUICKLY?
9. You wonder how none of you are engaged. Surely next year will be the year. Wait, and no-one’s pregnant? You take educated guesses about who will be first. Based loosely on who has a boyfriend, but based mostly on who is the least sensible with contraception.
10. Then you’ll all look back fondly and reminisce about that time you were SURE one of you were pregnant and you all crammed into the bathroom together whilst one of you peed on a stick. And then wasn’t it funny when you realised you weren’t pregnant and you all got howling drunk off vodka to celebrate.
11. You change into your trackies. Shit is getting serious. You need to be comfy for this sort of chat.
12. You discuss THAT DAMN MISSING PLANE THAT HAS BEEN PLAGUING YOU ALL YEAR.
13. And also the Madeleine McCann case. You suggest the same theories you’ve all been discussing for the past 7 years again, just because you need to get them off your chest again.
14. You realise these people are probably your best friends because no-one else is weird enough to sit in their trackies with a glass of Prosecco and discuss missing children and planes with you.
15. You realise you’ve run out of Prosecco. You all take a drunk walk to the local shop together. You buy crisps. Someone else buys Jaegermeister. You realise this is probably the most fun you’ve had in months. MAYBE YOU SHOULD ALL LIVE TOGETHER? THINK OF THE FUN. THIS SHOULD NEVER END.
16. You discuss that girl from school on Facebook that suddenly got really hot. And did you all see that bikini photo of her and maybe you fancy her a bit. And how do you get to look like that?
17. You’ll spend 92 per cent of the time remembering stories about all the people you got with/ex boyfriends/people you fancy/fancied. You’ll discuss what they’re up to now according to Facebook. You’ll laugh at your youth. Oh you.
18. AND OMG THAT BOY YOU FANCIED AT SCHOOL MESSAGED YOU THE OTHER DAY. WHAT EVEN IS LIFE?!
19. You’ll try and take a selfie with all of you in. You’ll all look like thumbs.
20. Someone suggests you all go out. Maybe take this sexy party to a club. You think about it for a minute, this could be the greatest thing ever. Then you remember you have a pizza gut, mascara crumbs down your face and wait, is that BO smell coming from you?
21. The alcohol waves through your brain and you’re suddenly overwhelmed with pride that you’ve all made it to this age and none of you have died. Well done you guys.
22. You cry a bit. Someone else is sick. Somehow through all the chaos you find a bed. Is it yours? Are you having a sleepover? Who knows. Bed, bed, BED.
23. You wake up in the morning full of <3<3<3 and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS HANGOVER.