Turns out, being an adult isn’t all bundles of money, wearing suits and using proper English, there’s a lot more to it.
These are the things I wish somebody had given me the heads up on before I became old and plagued with bills and pre-7am starts.
1. You will have a lifelong struggle with recycling. WAIT! Am I allowed to put my Doritos packet in there? What about that plastic thingy my cherry tomatoes came in? Are they even picking up my recycling this week? WHY is it overflowing again?
2. On a similar note, your clothes washing will be an endless battle that will plague your weekday evenings. There is only ONE of me, why the fricking heck is my washing bin always so full that my pants gather around the floor like a trail of crumbs?
3. Ironing is in fact a choice and not a necessity as your mum made you once believed. Creased bed sheets are chic, no?
4. That, yes, you’ll be torn by political parties and events, but your biggest dilemma will be whether to go for a big juicy glass of red or a cool, sharp G and T.
5. That, over the course of a year, you’ll spend as much on council tax as a new Mulberry handbag, pair of Louboutins and a few Topshop dresses. Very good.
6. You won’t understand anything on Nickelodeon after 2007. Deal with it and mourn appropriately. Guys, Sabrina The Teenage Witch is long gone, get over it.
7. That working 9 til 5 feels a lifetime longer than being at school from 9 til 3.20. A LIFETIME.
8. That keeping a gunt at bay is a constant losing battle once you’ve exited your teenage years. It just keeps a-growing and growing.
9. Similarly your once fat weight is now your skinny weight, and it’ll take a break-up, hefty bout of food poisoning and a personal trainer to get you there. And you’ll stay at that weight until you eat ONE McDonalds, and then you spontaneously pop back over to fatville.
10. That one day, you’ll just be happily enjoying a few glasses of wine in a bar and you’ll check your Facebook and suddenly it’ll hit you, it’s not just the school chavs and drop-outs getting pregnant and married anymore, it’s the normal people. IT’S YOUR FRIENDS.
11. You get heartburn, you get tired and you get an achy back. You start to fall apart.
12. You will start having favourite brands on your weekly shop. *Looks at every butter that isn’t Lurpak as if it may give you genital herpes*
13. You will spend approximately 7% of your life counting hours of sleep. OK, so if I stay out for one more round, then I get the train home, then in the morning I accidentally forget to shower, then tonight I can get 6 hours and 20 minutes sleep. Can I handle that, CAN I?!
14. You will get offered more loans and credit cards than you will dates. And you’ll secretly wonder if maybe you SHOULD just buy that Mac Book with the borrowed money.
15. You will order a pizza or fancy salad and NOT make any changes to the toppings. Anchovies, olives, jalapeños, unidentified sauce, come at me.
16. You will come to despise 97% of the population. WHY ARE YOU ALL SO FUCKING ANNOYING.
17. Your insides will turn over in disgust when you see someone spit in the street.
18. You will have less money than when you worked a four hour waitressing shift every week for £3.70 am hour and you’ll never understand why.
19. You won’t ever buy white products again. The more wholewheat and seedier the better.
20. You will become fascinated by cooking oils. You say this olive oil also has chilli AND lime in it, what is this sweet, sweet heaven?!
21. And also any sort of jarred condiment. YES, pear and walnut chutney, you look exactly like what I want with my cheese and crackers on this fine evening.
22. You will just own more shirts, regardless or not of whether you need to wear them for work. Adulthood = ginormous shirt collection.
23. You will start to become suspicious of dirt cheap fashion brands. Wait, but if I spend £12 on this dress does this mean its going to have holes in the armpits in two weeks? Maybe I should hop along and buy something sturdier.
24. You will finally fully understand why your parents wouldn’t let you get a pet. They are bloody hard work and there’s no way in hell that your kids are getting one. Nope.
25. Every time you sign your signature, you will sigh with disappointment that you didn’t come up with something better and desperately wish you’d wasted more hours practicing it rather than trying to make your Sims have a baby because now you’ve left it too late to change it. Sob.
26. That waking up before 7am doesn’t get easier. NOT FRICKING EVER.
27. There will come to be a day where you fear post. Post before 18 = money, post after 18 = less money.
28. That fertility is actually a thing and not some wild myth like menopause and incontinence.
29. That, one day, socks will beat pretty much every other Christmas present. Even a My Baby All-Gone.
30. That it is not physically possible to own enough kitchen utensils to make any of Jamie Oliver’s recipes 100% accurately.
31. That M&S will be a real place you’ll actually want to go in, and not just to pick up the clothing size squares off the floor, but to shop.
32. You’ll think about how nice it would be to get stuck in to one last meaty essay.
33. And on that note, how splendid a good, sturdy desk area would be.
34. That one day, you might actually start to see what all the fuss with gardening is. WAIT, I can grow my own real-life herbs?! *starts looking for herb name sticks on Etsy*
35. You will tut at the younger generation constantly and exclaim ‘we were NEVER that bad, we’re we?’ Probs yes, probs we bloody well were. FUCK.