How To Deal With A Breakup As An Adult….

How To Deal With A Breakup As An Adult….

The dumb trope of women eating ice cream in bed after a break up is out. (And totally sexist). In fact, there’s no better time than after a huge heartbreak for a total life renovation!

1. Either block or unfriend him on Facebook, because that shit will be the death of you. Maybe you assume you are a reasonable and mature lady-human who can handle seeing the occasional reminder of him on your Facebook timeline. You’re both grown-ups, right! What’s a little “David’s Birthday Bar Crawl!” action popping up on your feed? Noooo. There will be a really pretty redhead in his arms in every other picture, and you will feel like you want to jump into Buffalo Bill’s abandoned well girl-trap in Silence of The Lambs.

2. Don’t immediately suggest to “stay friends” — and if he does, tell him you need to think about it. This is an impulse because you don’t want to seem like you care too much about the breakup. Because you’re so chill. You’re so chill that your heart isn’t beating. Aaand, you’re dead. But truthfully, during this stilted, awkward breaking-up period, it’s hard to tell whether you’ll be able to be friends or not. Generally, one person wants to be friends and the other wants to be more. Gotta work that shit out before it can be a healthy friendship … if it ever can be. You’re not admitting defeat by not staying friends with him.

3. If you feel an impulse to get drunk alone, call some friends instead. It’s the worst being alone and sad and drunk. When you’ve just broken up with someone, you get all nihilistic, and you’ll get too hammered to see and wind up hooking up with a 40-year-old married man with a ponytail in a bar bathroom. At least be sad with people you love! We’ve all been heartbroken — it’s not like they’ll judge you for drinking wine with dirty hair, in Family Guy pajamas.

4. If you want to drunk-text, get your friend to take your phone away or throw it in a volcano. Oh, the number of times I’ve had drunk cryptic texts from an ex at stupid o’clock, I know how infuriating it is! Don’t send a drunk text to an ex at 2 a.m. and assume if he texts back, he still has feelings for you. Drunk-texting an ex is a two-steps-forward-one-step-back slide down the rabbit hole. Him replying, “nothing,” to your booze-fueled, “sup,” does not mean you’ll have a spring wedding.

5. Begin some kind of intense, rage-based workout routine. Maybe this isn’t a good time for yoga! Maybe it’s a good time for something new, like kickboxing. Really get some of that negative stuff out.

6. Spend a lot of time outside. It’s a cliché, but fresh air really does clear your head. So does, you know, seeing the sun every once in a while. Take at least two hours from each day just to leave your Cave of Forgotten Dreams and interact with The Outside.

7. Rebound with one incredibly hot guy, if that’s what you want, and then give yourself some time to decompress and remember who you are. I’ve never been a one-night-stand or meaningless sex kinda girl, but I’ve seen from many of my friends how getting out there and having a rebound night/fling really can help you move on from your ex. Go out and get yourself some strange from a guy who is either a King of Leon or just has dirty hair. It’s hard to tell the difference. But then slow down and be low-key for a while. If you’ve had one rebound, you’ve had them all, in this woman’s opinion.

8. If you start dating someone else, take it really slow. Dude. You just ended a relationship and your heart flipped over and exploded like a tanker in a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. If you take it step by step and enjoy it as a casual thing for a while, that’ll give you some time to evaluate whether you’re actually ready to be with someone again or if you’re just ready to have really hot sex with them in an lift once in a while.

9. Allow yourself to cry when you need to. Thus preventing a giant tidal wave of feelings to wash over you in the workplace, or the supermarket, or anywhere else inappropriate. If you don’t, you’ll repress your feelings until you break down in the office kitchen while you’re microwaving your pasta and that passive-aggressive asshole Sarah comes over and takes you to the women’s bathroom and murmurs a bunch of vaguely religious-sounding proverbs like, “This too shall pass.” And then every time you and Sarah make contact afterwards, it will be weird.

10. If you get a Facebook invite to his friend’s party … stay home, put a face mask on, eat Chinese, and watch Vampire Diaries. There is always a strong temptation to show up with a fresh blowout and a low-cut J.Lo Grammys dress, and grind with his friend that you hate just to make him jealous. Eat your heart out, you think to yourself as you do a nasty teenage dance grind with the guy you once referred to as a “dicksnack tool moron.” Actually, assuming his friend is some guy you don’t really care about, going to that party still makes it all about him — not your emotional well-being. And seeing him will just pick the scab open.

11. Don’t scheme to get him back — scheme to get yourself back. Get some solid book reading time, join a sports club, go on a trip somewhere with a girlfriend. Paint your bathroom; I don’t care. Just do something for yourself.

12. Write him heartbroken letters and never send them. Get it all out — on paper, so as to avoid accidentally sending them. (R is for “the rage I feel.” O is for ‘OH I HATE YOU YOU DICKHEAD, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME.” B is for ‘I know I’m BETTER off without you, but why do i miss you so much?!?!’ Sent from I bet that’s how Alanis Morrissette wrote “You Oughta Know.”

13. Avoid posting the details on Facebook. Or Twitter. Or Instagram. Or Tumblr. Live ya life! Airing your grievances on social media is not good for anyone, and it’ll be embarrassing later. Who’s gonna read it, anyway? Aunt Maggie? That girl you worked with for a week?

14. Take baths. Baths are half wallowing and half cleansing/pampering, and thus are perfect for breakups. When’s the last time you really filled up your tub (clean it first, please) and had a good soak with a glass (bottle) of wine? Showers are not for the recently dumped.

15. Stop blaming yourself and thinking things like, “If only I’d watched more Fast and Furious movies/dyed my hair brunette/given more blow jobs/was thinner.” It takes two to break up — the problem wasn’t just you, it was you two as a couple. It’s almost reverse-narcissistic to blame yourself that much! If you try to look at the relationship from the outside, maybe you’ll have an easier time seeing how you both contributed to the breakup. “If only” killed the dinosaurs. (Actually an asteroid did, but let’s not quibble.)

Things will get easier, I promise 🙂


16 thoughts on “How To Deal With A Breakup As An Adult….

    1. Hi Ben, thank you for your comment 🙂 it was actually my partner who broke things off, but i think we both knew it wasn’t meant to be, and if he hadn’t broken it off at that point i know i would have by now. We were both destructive to each other but so in love at the same time which made things hard for either of us to walk away. What happened with your partner? How are you finding things now?

      1. Hi Shelly,
        if it’s not too much to bother, why do you feel ‘love’ isn’t worth fighting for? Kelly and myself found ourselves in the same predicament. We’d fight and argue over the smallest of ‘things’ however, we met in a mutual location and talked for hour’s. I’d say we’re now happier than we’ve ever been. In my opinion love is always worth fighting for. Again, not to impose but have you two set up some kind of dialogue? Are you not curious as to his reaction?

      2. Hi Ben 🙂
        I never said love isn’t worth fighting for. For the right people, true love will prevail and I’m happy to hear that’s what’s happened with you and Kelly. I’m sure though with you two, there was more than just love, you both actually wanted to make things work. My personal situation is slightly different in the fact than me nor my ex are interested in speaking to each other or trying to re-build our relationship. We both know it’s over and i’m now just trying to cope and move on with my life. There would be no benefit it trying to set up dialogue as you and Kelly have done. Who were you referring to in your previous comment about finding it difficult to forget what once was?

      3. kita,
        I agree with you too, if you want love to work, it’ll always prevail. What do you think Shelly?

      4. Shelly,
        I don’t think much more is needed? This sounds as if you’re not being true to yourself and would rather hide behind an empty box than confront this guy you say you love. Does that sound a bit true?
        I was talking about Kelly, she’s everything to me. I took the initiative to talk eventhough she’d cheated on me. I really hope you do talk to this guy, it sounds as if deep down you do want to talk.

      5. Hi Ben,
        Thank you for your kind words, it really does mean a lot that someone cares, even if it is a total stranger  I understand why you might see it as me hiding rather that facing something, but it’s a bit more complicated than that and I know how things will end if I call him. He owes me money, and I know if I was to call him, he’ll just think it’s me chasing that money, which I do want and really could do with at the moment, even though I know I’ll probably never see a penny. You never know though, he could surprise me and give me the money at the end of the month as he promised. We’ll see… Anyway, I just know how things would end if we did engage in dialogue. He’ll point the finger, try to score points, blame me for everything that ever went wrong in our relationship and after all that, I know he won’t ever get past things, he’ll never let things go. I know him and know how his mind works. I guess there are some things that you just can’t get past and I’m trying my hardest to try to accept that.

      6. Shelley (Looks like I’ve been misspelling your name),
        How much money are we talking about, hundreds/Thousands?
        From an outsider looking in, it seems pretty obvious that you deeply care for this guy. However, it would seem as if you’re scared of him rejecting you or as you put it ‘point scoring.’
        What do you think is for the greater good, trying to set up dialogue and/or never speaking to this guy again? I don’t think you can miss someone but do nothing about it. If you do miss his company, then do something about it.
        Your last sentence is powerful; you’re trying to get past something when you don’t have too. Shelly, please follow your heart and setup a dialogue with this guy.

        Kind Regards,

      7. Hi Ben. I don’t really want to divulge the full details online, I don’t think that’s appropriate. If he’s a good guy then maybe I’ll get the money back. If not, then it’s not the end of the world, I have enough money to eat!
        Again, thank you for your kind words and advice 🙂

  1. Your part about writing him letters and never sending them, May I ask why you feel he doesn’t deserve to know how you’re feeling? If you hate him, you’re still feeling something for this guy. And whilst that’s the case why don’t you send him these letters? Of course this could be all frictional and I don’t know the details.

    1. Hi Sammy, thank you for your comment 🙂 The idea of writing the letters is to get all of the emotion/anger/hurt out of your system in a healthy way. I personally find writing very therapeutic. There is no point sending a vengeful letter to your ex because that wouldn’t achieve anything and it will just make you look like a spiteful bitch! Any opinions on my blog are just advice/ideas based on my own personal experience so everyone will deal with things differently and have a different way of expressing themselves 🙂

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