It’s a simple phrase that millions of people use every day…an easy question to answer, right? For me, not so much.
I cringe inside with anxiety every time I hear this question. I usually respond in a way to redirect the person into talking about how they are doing.
How am I doing? There is no good way to verbalise the feeling that you’re slowing dying inside. That you feel like a failure. That the person you see in the mirror is just a fat, ugly shell of your once vibrant and happy self.
Nor can I explain the insomnia that more frequently plagues me, as I lay awake rehashing past events, trying to figure out the why. Then the days of exhaustion which follow, trying to catch up on my sleep and down time. Then the tears that randomly fall for no reason at all, the overwhelming sadness that strikes out of nowhere that ruins my mascara daily recently. Now I don’t even wear mascara, why bother?
What if I don’t find love again? After loosing someone who vowed to love me forever, through better and worse. The feeling that I’m emotionally broken in a million pieces that may never be healed.
Also, impending events and medical appointments make me feel like I’m being suffocated again. I’m no longer in control of what happens and that scares me beyond belief. As a self-confessed control freak, I think this is what is most crippling. Plus the uncertainty of what will happen over the next few months and how treatment will progress. I hate it so much! I don’t know what to do for the best anymore.
So, speak with intention the next time you ask someone “how are you?”…take the time to invest in someone’s emotional needs. And when someone responds with the phrase “I’m fine”, think about what you really know. Because I tell people that I’m fine every damn day…but they know I’m far from fine.
Lets see how the next few weeks go…..